Crash and Burn

Ok, well yesterday I had the whole day off. I usually get one afternoon off a week since i work 9 hours a day with no lunch break, but since my boss is going on a caribean cruise (lucky guy) I would not be getting my half day off next week so I got the whole day off this week. I had some errands to get done in the morning, doc's appointment, eye doc appointment (for the first time in 9 years), sending off my passport renewal, ect. By the time I got home it was 11:30, so I grabbed some lunch and thought I'd start doing homework at 12:30.. then 1.. then 2.. I kept pushing it as I found better stuff to do such as cleaning the house, watching the sex and the city movie, and reading my book. When I finally sat down it was 3 pm and I sat there staring at the pages trying to read, but instead I kept thinking "what the hell am I doing," and "why am I doing this" which eventually turned in to tears. I have been crying alot lately, and I think it is just because I am so burnt out that it makes me emotional. I really do not have much time to myself, and when I am relaxing I feel guilty because I should be studying. During the week I am up at 5 am, at the gym by 5:30 then working 8-5 straight, then back at the gym for 6, dinner by 7:30-8, and bed by 8:30-9.. then repeat. It's pretty busy. By the time the weekends come, Ben and I are so exhausted and our friday nights are typically spent on the couch watching TV and then in passed out in bed by 8. When saturday comes around we still have training, skiing, and often company visiting. Cramming in time to study ensured that whenever I was home I was studying. Even if I was exhausted from my long run, or my eyes were tired from reading so much. So after talking to Ben and my mom yesterday I have decided that now is not the best time to be taking the CFA and here are the list of reasons that I have come up with:
1) Time or lack of it. As explained previously training for the ironman and working eat up alot of my time. But there is another aspect of time which is that I am cramming it into 4 months. I applied for the CFA scholarship in November, and didn't find out I got it until January, and it took another 2 weeks to get the books. That is almost 3 months of studying that I could have had. At the rate I'm going at now I would only have a week of review, when they say you should have at least a month.

2) It's a 3 year comitment. It would be one thing if I could just hang in there until June and get the test done, but it's not like that. That is only the first of three exams, which take place every June. Essentially I would be dedicating myself to another 3 years of schooling, which has felt like an endless dark tunnel with no light at the end of it.

3) Money, aparently there are alot of really good programs out there that help cut the studying time, but they are 500-1500 dollars. Considering I couldn't justify spending that to take the course I defnitely can't justify that to help me complete the course.

4) Employability, I thought that taking this course would make it easier to find a job. But with much research and job searching I have found that most analyst jobs expect you to have 3-5 years of experience, which I do not have. So I think I need to first find a job to get my foot in the door, which would also help me figure out if this is actually what I want to do. I mean I have an economics degree with distinction, I should be able to find some sort of job.

5) Isolation, just with where we are living right now it is tough. I don't know anybody who is taking the course, I dont work with anyone who has or is taking the course, I don't work in a related field. It's just me battling through the large books and formulas.

6)Then there is Ben. The poor guy has put up with 4 years of stressed out Jen trying to finish her degree and doing homework on the weekends. He deserves some attention. Not to say that he complaines, he has been so supportive through all my endeavors and I have been so lucky to have him in my life. But I want to spend my weekends with him, just enjoying our life for a while, and enjoying what maybe the last few months in revelstoke.

7) And finally, I am only 23. I don't have to do EVERYTHING right now. I have my whole life ahead of me and I will have lots of time to go back when I am ready to really commit myself to to this course.

Basically, I think the bottom line is that I am capable of doing this course right now. I mean I am not having a particularily hard time with the material, but I don't want to put the required time and effort into it. I am not willing to sacrafice my weekends, training, and happines. When I made the decision last night it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, and with that I knew that it was the right decision. I just have to accept that perhaps I'm not superwomen, and maybe I can't do it all right now. So here's to focusing on training, and time with my champ and our adventures.

-Jen